hi my name is sam and i am a widow.....

i feel like that is how i need to make all my introductions now. its the first thing i want to get off my chest when meeting people or even talking to already existing friends. being a widow has taken over my identity. i am no longer just sam i am sam the widow. even worse than that i am sam the widow to a 28 year old seemingly healthy young guy. it stings more when it rolls of the tongue. i live in the shadows of my husbands death but i have to say its where i feel most comfortable. how can i feel more comfortable living under the cloak of death? i dont know but i do. i guess i feel like no one expects much from me under there. i can be sad, angry, rude. i can drink too much or sleep all day and people will say its because of my "situation."  i also feel most connected to my husband by identifying myself as his widow like im honoring him in some weird death way. when we got married i took his last name and then he died and i took on the title of tims widow. seems like a shitty trade off but one that i feel a sense of pride in just as i did when i stood in the line at social security and changed my last name to match his. i am tims widow and i am here to tell you every great thing about him. i am here to make sure you dont forget him. i am his voice now. i am also here to tell you what its like to be a widow at 29 and how much the world changes in more ways than you thought it would.  

but what a horrible word. death is not glamorous and in my case either is being the survivor but can we at least come up with a word that doesnt bring the image of a 90 year old woman dressed in all black sitting in a rocking chair to mind. i still put on lipstick everyday.....that should count for something right?

 i will go into the details of my life, marriage and death both of my husband and of who i used to be. but for today this is all i have to say.