dreams...

are something i dont have very often. never have been much of a dreamer. day or night. after tim died i wanted to dream of him. i wrote to him in the pages of my journal asking him to show his fucking face once in awhile. throw me a bone or something. even with my threatening requests he barely made any appearances. he seems to have grown defiant in death. 

there is one that seems to reoccur though and i use that term loosely. i've had it three times in the last eight months. in this particular dream tim hasn't died yet. i know hes going to but he doesn't. the amount of time he has left to be alive in the dream doesn't seem to matter or it just doesn't seem to stick to my memory. he goes about his routine...our routine totally oblivious of what is about to happen to us. he is all smiles and deep laughs. he is fast paced and full of excitement as he usually was. i participate in our prior life for awhile but under suspicious eyes and conflicting feelings. do i tell him? if i don't say it out loud will it not happen? did it actually happen? are we both dead?

in the end i always tell him. the reaction he gives me isn't always the same. sometimes its disbelief. sometimes he ignores me. this last time was a new response. he cried. i could tell he was scared. the thing that struck me as being the most odd in this already strange situation was that this time i wasn't. it was my job to make sure that he was ok. that he was as ready to go as he could be. i needed to do for him what he would have wanted to do for me that night. prepare him. hold his hand. touch his face and look into his eyes giving him that one last memory.  

i tell him about his funeral. what he will be wearing and how he will look. he will hate his hair but love his beard. the painfully beautiful service he will have. how uncomfortable i will be inside the church and how his brother sat behind me singing so loudly. the great pictures we all picked out to show of him. the cool dali book i had everyone sign instead of the stuffy old signature book. i tell him about his family and mine. how proud his youngest brother will make him as usual. how not proud others will make him as usual. i share with him how many people will come to show their love and respect. i don't tell him who doesn't come so you all are safe for now. i tell him what goes on in the next few months following his death. how i will move out of our apartment in miami and travel back to charlotte with my bearcat in tow. the different feelings and emotions i will experience. the different reactions other people have. the different ways people will handle his absence and those who won't handle it at all. i tell him how some things have fallen apart but other things have come together. i ramble on to him telling every little detail i can recall until finally i tell him the most important that i will always love him and i will always miss him. i will always remember him and us. that i wish he could stay but he has to go. that its ok to feel afraid because it wont last forever and i will always be around if he needs me. 

-s