dear sam...

 

it's me or more specifically it's you 9 months from march 2nd 2016. 9 long months from the pain and terror that you are living in right now. i wanted to write you this letter as your 9 month old post tim's death self in hopes that when another 9 months pass. when another 9 years pass you can look back on these letters and see your growth and your strength.

let me be the first to tell you that you are tough. i know you don't feel like it right now but you are and you are going to have to stay that way. i know that you are scared and confused. i know that you want to lay down and die but you wont. that's just the bottom line. you.wont.   you prefer things in black and white. so here it is for you. you will go on simply because you have no other choice but to go on. with that being said i wanted to give you some advice. some things that you will struggle with in the upcoming months but i'm here to tell you that you do make it. you do survive. so here it goes

sorry to tell you this but people will disappoint you. right now you are thinking that people will become greater beings after a death occurs but the truth is few actually do. i don't think people know how if i'm being honest. human beings are naturally selfish. very much a better you than me mentality. people will sit on the sidelines of your struggle and tragedy. they will enjoy their lives and at the same time worry about how your grief and sadness could effect them. they will pat themselves on the back for being a kind person because they sent you a facebook message after not talking to you for six months. they will practically drool over how supportive they are if they happen to remember to send you a text on a holiday. it's going to sting sam. it wont ever stop stinging. people you didn't think mattered will hurt your feelings. people who mattered the most will let you down. it will make you feel lonely and broken. it will make you cry out for tim. it will remind you how intertwined your lives and souls were. he was your best friend and his absence will echo so loudly against your body. this will make you cry even more. the disappointment will swallow you up sometimes. it will open up all your wounds. it will create ones that you didn't have before. people won't understand why you are so upset and it will blow your mind. people will say careless and thoughtless things to you. it will break your heart when you didn't think it could possibly break anymore. it will make you feel small and vulnerable. but you aren't. don't let them make you feel any less of a warrior than you are. you know who you are. deep down under all that sadness you are still there sam.

i repeat you are the still there sam. tim's death changed you but it didn't change you. right now you think it's going to. you think the things you loved you will never love again. right now it feels that everything has changed. nothing seems yours. you are feeling out of control of your life. people are telling you what to do and when to do it but it will pass. things will settle and all that was you will come back. don't feel bad for still loving music. for still wanting to see it and hear it and dance to it. it will be one of your saving graces. and for the love of god please don't think you need to shuffle around in your gross pajamas and slippers all day long. getting dressed, wearing makeup and brushing your hair will make you feel like yourself. and its ok girl you can still take those selfies. go right ahead. you can and you will laugh with your friends. you will joke about your sadness because it is the only way you know how to handle it. to be honest it helps other people handle it as well. except your mother. she doesn't always find your dark sarcasm healthy. you will have full conversations with people without mentioning tim. i know that's hard to believe right now but you will and then you will feel sad about it. that's ok to.  you will still cry over silly things sam. just as you did before. right now you are thinking that nothing will ever effect you. that you can conquer anything. you can and you will but it's still going to be hard. you are going to cry when your car alarm goes off in the grocery store parking lot. you will still be nervous to call and dispute a charge on your bank account. you'll let the trash pile up because you hate dragging it outside. this is what i mean by death changing you but not changing you at the same time. don't feel guilty about it. 

sam meet chip. officially known as the chip on your shoulder. get comfortable with each other because i don't know when your relationship will end. he's like that bad-ass boyfriend you had in high school. no one likes him but you can't see why through his dreamy eyes and cigarette smoke. he will be the unwanted guest everywhere you go and in every conversation you have. people will tell you to dump him. but we both know that its easier said than done. you will get rid of your chip on your own time but let me tell you a little secret...it wont be in 9 months. it will be when you are healed enough. you are allowed to feel angry and sad and crazy. don't feel bad for feeling bad. your husband died for fucks sake. friends and family will tell you about all the shouldn'ts. you shouldn't feel this way or that way. you shouldn't say this and you shouldn't say that. you shouldn't do this and they definitely wouldn't do that, but you know you best sam remember that. don't let anyone put their time frame on your grief. it is never too soon or too late for your feelings thoughts or actions. it was your husband who died not their's. most of the people you know haven't suffered a loss like yours so how are they going to tell you when enough is enough? when you're scared that you might be beating on your widow drum a little too hard, beat it fucking harder sam. sometimes you will need to remind people what you have gone through. what you continue to go through and what you have survived. you have earned the scars. 

-s