the beginning before the end....

before i tell you about the death i should tell you about the life.

tim and i are from the same hometown, same high school for the most part and everything. i know.....get your tissues out. we grew up in sussex county where the cows out numbered the people and kids got out of school early during hunting season. yes that was actually a thing.  tim and i were not high school sweethearts, but that doesnt mean we didnt know each other. we ran in overlapping social circles in a very small town. if life was fair and the universe was on our side tim and i would have been high school sweethearts. we could have shared a few more years and memories together but we all know life can be a cruel bitch.

tim and i started dating in 2008. it was long distance, VERY long distance. i was living in NC going to college and he was living in Ft. Drum NY and coming to the end of his military career. (shout out to all of tims army friends) his crazy ass would drive all the way from NY to NC on the weekends just so we could spend time together and my selfish ass would allow him to do that. we spent our time together like most young couples do. we partied hard, slept in late, went to concerts etc. during the week we would skype and act stupid falling over the i love yous and miss yous. fast forward to 2011 tim and i were married in the outer banks with all of our families and friends there. it was great and beautiful and everything that a wedding should be but we were clueless about what came next.

marriage. was. hard. anyone that posts on facebook about how great their married life is, is for sure lying to you. before death, marriage was the hardest thing that i had encountered. there were some times that i didnt think we would make it and there were some times that i didnt know if i wanted to make it anymore. i know tim felt the same way. we looked at our single friends and saw them having the time of their life and here we were arguing over whose turn it was to do the dishes or why one of us spent money we didnt have to spend on stuff we didnt need. just as lost as i feel being a widow at 29 is how lost tim and i felt being married at 23 but the difference is that we were in it together. one of tims favorite lines to me during a fight was "ask anyone we know sam and they will tell you how crazy that is" this line would send me through the roof due to the fact that he was the only other married person i knew! who are these "anyone" people you speak of? our single friends who are not legally bound to anyone or our parents who have been married for centuries? we had to figure out how to make life work without showing everyone the cracks in our foundation. it was messy a lot of the time but it was also amazing most of the time.

looking back on those fights now i feel a sense of guilt and anger at both me and tim. how dare that 23 year old sam give 22 year old tim the silent treatment trying to prove her point. didnt she know that in five years time would rob them and she would never be able to talk to him again. why didnt we know better? people say "if i could go back in time and change things i wouldnt" .....that is fucking insane. if tim and i could go back in time we would change a whole lot of things. i would say get your fucking acts together. you two have five years left not the 100 that you dummies think you do. tim would have held his tongue more in arguments, and been a bit softer with his words.  i would have not yelled every time he sang too loudly in the shower or broke every handle off of my anthropology coffee mugs if i knew that in just a few short years i would be sitting in silence drinking from that very same broken mug without my husband. 

-s