that is what i was watching the night that tim died. i was laying in bed watching the real housewives what a ridiculous thing to be doing. i want to tell you that we were doing something interesting or even dangerous that would warrant a death to occur but no we were watching tv the night that both of us died in two separate ways.
i can remember every second of that night. i have gone over it in my head more times than i can count and i have also shared the story over and over again. i read somewhere that reliving the death is a part of the grieving process. i think for me its an opportunity to go over the night step by step out loud to see if there was something there that i missed.....hence this blog.
i sat in the hospital waiting room at midnight looking around at all the different types of people that were there. the sick, old, homeless etc. i thought to myself if all of these people come in here and leave alive than surely tim who had just been on the couch 30 mins ago is going to come running out of here. this was unfortunately a misjudgment on my part. they ushered me into a not very private sitting area and a team of doctors and nurses came out to talk to me. there are actually no words created to tell you the feelings i had when i saw them all walking towards me. it was as if the hallway wasnt long enough. i never wanted them to reach me because i knew what they were there to tell me. tim was gone and he was never coming back. the sadness, pity and confusion was written all over their wrinkled faces. "we dont know what happened." .....that was their only answer to my screams and sobs.
i stayed at the hospital for a long time after they delivered the news. the doctors and nurses never came back to check on me. i think they just lingered outside the room waiting for me to collapse and die right along with my husband but instead i sat quietly in a rolling desk chair with a rough hospital blanket wrapped around me. what was i suppose to do.....where was i suppose to go? i wanted to ask them if it was possible to move all of my stuff into that small sitting area because i wasnt sure i was ever going to be able to leave. that was the last place i felt hope that tim was going to be ok and i wasnt ready to give that up.
im not sure how i survived that night. im not sure how i survived the car ride home or the walk up the stairs to my friends apartment or taking my shoes off. i couldnt tell you how i got my legs to move. i sat on the bathroom floor and cried into the phone to anyone who was awake to listen. i pressed my face up against her sliding glass door. i can still remember the feeling of the cool glass on my forehead and the low sound of her tv going in the other room. i was waiting for the sun to come up. i needed to make it through the night. i felt like that was my first major accomplishment.