tsunami waves...

thats how sadness hits me. i will be going throughout my day feeling fine and then all of a sudden dread washes over me. sometimes its out of nowhere and sometimes its sparked by a memory. its when i slide into the drivers seat of our car and smell the lingering scent of cigarette smoke or finally getting to the bottom of our laundry hamper only to find a pair of tims socks staring back up at me. both of these incidents have knocked me on my ass. these memories make me feel  like somehow i just missed him. i walked into a room just as he walked out or he called and i just missed him on that last ring. its as if he slipped right through my finger tips that night. he said he would be right back he was just taking the trash out. he was there and then he was gone in the blink of an eye. 

people say thank goodness you have all of your memories and photos to hold on to. you can remember the good times and i think for some people that really does bring them a lot of comfort but not for me not now anyway. i dont want to look at a picture and think well what a great memory this is because it wasnt suppose to be a memory. it was just suppose to be a great fucking selfie. when i look at pictures of us now the only thing i do is count. i count the months days and minutes that we had left at that very moment and didnt even know it. i examine them for clues that we should have known what was about to happen to us. i dont want to sit around and tell stories about how funny or clumsy tim was because hes suppose to still be here doing the same dumb shit laughing right along with me. hes suppose to be here so i can ask him to reenact how he tripped over a display case in walgreens while i sit in bed laughing till i cry . hes suppose to be here to tell me to shut up when i joke to much over something stupid he did while hes busy sulking over it. 

 the truth about memories is that they hurt right now....a lot and they are everywhere waiting to smother me. i turn on our netflix and i can see where we left off watching a show together. should i keep going without him? it feels wrong. i think i would run out of the room crying if someone turned on Law and Order SVU because tim used to sing the theme song and play air saxophone to it every night before we went to bed. (you all know the one im talking about). i dont like to look at photos of tim because seeing his face literally takes my breath away. its like hey i know you....why do you only live inside my instagram pictures now? where are you? when are you coming home? it all feels confusing. i have a post it note that tim wrote me hanging on my fridge and i avoid it at all costs. i keep it up there for the day that i am ready. for the day that i can look at it and laugh at his chicken scratch and smile at his words  but for now i feel like its screaming in my face every time i walk by it.  i have all of tims belongings neatly boxed away at my brothers house for safe keeping until i am ready to face them and they are ready to face me. you might be surprised to hear that i  have no photos of tim in my apartment which may sound harsh to some but i dont need photos. i see tim everywhere. i can remember every single thing about him. his smile and the small gap he had between his front teeth. his rough hands and the hangnails that he was forever chewing on. his deep brown eyes and long lashes. his loud overly dramatic laugh and the low sweet voice he would get when he was about to tell me something i didnt want to hear.  i  hear and see these things every minute of the day. i lay in bed at night and the images of our life together flash behind my closed eyes like a movie reel.  its both a curse and the only cure i have right now. 

-s