two become one...and then one becomes...

nothing....one becomes nothing. when youre in a relationship with someone you both take on certain roles within your world together. im not talking about the huge roles like breadwinner, mom, dad etc.  im just talking about the silly everyday roles that you forget about. maybe its your job to always take the trash out and its your partners job to always pay the electric bill. you subconsciously depend on each other to keep your conjoined world spinning. you both snuggle into these roles and it just works... things are warm and balanced. 

now one of you is gone. and the roles are shattered and they dont mean anything anymore. you have to start all over again and you are the only one in your once balanced world of two. 

tim and i had roles and we played them well. i was the more straight edge put together one and he was the fun loving mellow one. i could use tim as my buffer to defend off awkward small talk at parties and any other uncomfortable social setting. he could almost always get me to crack a smile even when we were arguing and he let my mood swings roll off his back. i on the other hand could be counted on to keep a level head, make sure all of our bills were paid on time, ensure that we didnt stay in the bates motel on a road trip or family vacation and be tims voice of reason when he was feeling unsure or lost. 

it took us a long time to find our rhythm. like i said in an earlier post marriage is not easy. i think at first we both fought against falling into a "routine" but it happens to the best of us. now that tim is gone i am trying to pick up the pieces of our roles and figure out how to do it all on my own and this shit is hard. even the smallest and dumbest tasks suck. take going to the grocery store for example. this was one of tims roles. one of his favorite roles might i add. i hate the grocery store with a deep burning passion. i hate the parking lot, the customers the music and the judgmental cashiers as they ring up my four bottles of wine twenty frozen dinner meals and a  bag of cat food.  " why yes sir i would like each individual wine bottle wrapped in a brown bag and no i will carry my cat food out by hand like a true warrior." then theres step two. getting the groceries into my fourth floor apartment in the blazing sun and heat. as i stand in front of my door fumbling for my keys dripping in sweat and juggling more bags than anyone should attempt at one time i say out loud "i did it babe" because i know that tim would be proud that i accomplished this small dumb task that i hate so much. 

i know some of you may be reading this and thinking to yourselves her husband just died and all she can talk about is winning at getting groceries in the door. and youre right. i know that this is small and stupid and is a task that millions of people do everyday but that isnt my point. my point is when you suffer a loss your whole world becomes foreign to you. you forget who you are and you forget what you are capable of doing. i know that i can physically handle going to the grocery store alone or call and yell at verizon when my cell phone bill is wrong but those were my husbands roles and it feels really big for me to be able to accomplish some of those. so i want you all to know that i get it and i see you. i see you single mom or dad who worked all day and still got dinner on the table for your kids before 10 pm. i see you other widows out there who wrestled with taking the garbage out tonight when it weighed ten tons and was dripping gross shit out of the bottom and i salute you. i salute your small but nevertheless overwhelming accomplishments and i know your loved ones do as well. 

-s