the others...

is a term i use to describe the new people i come in contact with everyday since tims been gone. this is a very interesting group of people for me. they live in a world that is untouched by tims death. no connection no sadness no hole in their hearts. they live in a world where for them tim might still be alive because they dont know any better. i dont always handle this group with the most grace and elegance...i have more of a bull in a china shop approach. i want to start this post off by telling you an unflattering story of myself and a situation that happened to me just over a month ago. i called out of work because i was in a shitty ass mood and i spent all day just wallowing in my  misery and pity. i got a text from a friend asking to meet up at a bar down the street from my house and i took the opportunity to get out and shake off some of my emotions. this was probably my first mistake in this particular story. i stomped on over to the bar wearing black motorcycle boots, a leather jacket and a baseball hat looking like i was ready to fuck someones day up because who cares mine already was. while sitting there with my friends an "other" joined the table. i was not in the right frame of mind to really entertain the idea of having this person i didnt know join us and it was written all over my face. i would like to pause for a moment and say that i wish at this point in time i would have just gotten up and left. bowed out with some damn sanity but no i went full steam ahead. mistake number two. this perfectly nice "other" started talking about the usual stuff...clothes, shopping, work etc as i just sat glaring from my seat at the end of the table slurping on my beer. she then turned her conversation towards me. it started light enough but as i mentioned earlier i was not in the mood to be around new people and i tried dodging her questions with vague answers. then came the question to end all questions the one that made everyone squirm in their seats "well what does your husband do for a living?" i could have really gone a couple of different routes with my answer. i could have lied and made something up she wouldnt have known the difference anyway. i could have mumbled quietly that tim had recently passed away and left it alone. she was just trying to be polite after all. asking those PC questions that people do when they first meet each other. but i have to tell you that i did not take the high road and i didnt go with either of those answers. my response to this unsuspecting "other" was "my husband doesnt do anything for a living because he's dead..............."  making this mistake number three. not my finest hour people. what youre all sitting there thinking happened after this comment flew out of my mouth and into the universe did happen. everyone got uncomfortable and silent, she wanted to crawl under the table and i just kept laying the hammer down on her. even offering to show her a picture of tim if she wanted to see one. of course she didnt want to see a fucking picture she probably wanted to evaporate into thin air.  it was only then after i succeeded in making someone else feel shitty did i gather up my miserable self and go home.  

ive had a lot of really big changes in my life since tim passed away. i moved to a different state, got a new apartment and even started a new job. i come in contact with a lot of "others" and its really a mixed bag of people emotions and interactions i never really know how they are going to turn out. there are some who ask a lot of questions about tim and our life together. this group allows me to talk about things like they used to be. they are curious to peek inside the life of a widow "how do you do it?" "how did he die?" "how long has it been?" its ok to ask these questions.  its okay to be curious... its natural for people to be curious. i am willing to share and some days i need to share with people who have no emotional attachment. then there are the "others" who dont dig deep... the quiet "others." maybe they heard through the grapevine that yea that girl over there her husband died or maybe they asked me something simple like "why did you move to charlotte from miami?" not knowing that the answer is about to be a loaded one. they dont even bring up the subject of me ever being married let alone how im surviving the death of my husband. i can tell that when i bring something up related to tim they become uncomfortable because they dont know what to say or how to act and this is an okay reaction too.  i like this type of "other" as well. they allow me to just be me. they know i have a heavy heart but they just let it be... no questions asked. 

navigating these groups is new to me and i am still trying to find my sea legs. some of these "others" may stick around to become friends if they are willing to weather the storm and some "others" are just passing through. both are equally as important in my learning process. im learning how to interact with people as this new version of myself and yes unfortunately there are going to be some innocent victims along the way. i want to apologize to those people in advance... i dont know what i am doing just yet so bare with me.

you are all part of what i call the trial and error portion of my life so hold on.