pills and potions...

not the kind that nicki minaji sings about but the real kind. zoloft ambien valium lexapro xanax wine beer vodka adderall tylenol pm nightquil  scented oils ginger teas...all of these and much more. all of these that promise you a better mental state a better nights sleep a sliver of feeling happy again.  

here is my own experience regarding this topic.

 the days in miami after tim passed away i stayed in a xanax state with a wine chaser. i was physically afraid to go to sleep. i was scared of the silence. i was scared that my bed appeared the same but was completely different without tim and honestly i was scared of having to wake up every morning and start reliving my nightmare all over again. during the day i jumped every time my phone rang. it was always someone i didnt want to talk to about something i didnt want to discuss. it was the funeral home director, hospital staff, different organizations all wanting my time to talk about tim being gone which i wasnt ready to process yet. my nerves were shot and i needed those pills to get me through. a lot of people have said to me "i dont know how your doing it. i would be in the fetal position crying"  but what you dont understand is when your spouse dies you dont get to just curl up in a ball and pull back the covers. there is shit that has to get done... decisions that need to be made people and polices that you need to handle and questionnaires that need to be completed. time doesnt allow you to live under a rock. so thats how i did it. i had no other choice and because i used medication to help get me through. luckily i had an amazing support system around me. my family and tims family who took care of the arrangements behind closed doors so i wouldnt have to hear about it.  my amazing coworkers and boss who took care of me in ways that i will never forget. whether it was cramming themselves into our tiny apartment just to sit with me or packing every single thing that tim and I owned into boxes while i was in new jersey.  and lastly my friends who flew in from all over and laid in bed with me so that tims side wouldnt be so empty. everyone took something off my overfilled emotional plate. it wasnt because it was their job to do so... it was because of their kindness. 

anyway back to the point. when i landed in new jersey for tims services i immediately had a doctors appointment to get myself medicated and i was prescribed zoloft and valium. my doctor speaking from his own experience with loss told me that the best advice he could give was to get back to a normal routine...get back to life. easier said than done. what is a normal routine anymore? what does life even look like for me?  i wanted him to just hand over the pills and let me be on my way. i really thought those pills were going to be magic beans for me. i thought i would take them and all of a sudden be able to feel happiness again but this wasnt true. i felt exactly the same. the only time i felt different was when i took too much but then i couldnt function the way i wanted. this was the case at the funeral. people kept coming up to me and telling me how great i was handling everything or how great i looked... so well put together. it was nice of them to say that but it wasnt me inside there. it was because i was on a lot of pills and i had a lot to drink.

when i moved to charlotte and settled into this  new foreign routine i very slowly stopped taking the pills. half of it was because I felt they weren't doing what i had hoped they would but most of it was because im not adult enough to make my own doctors appointment. the looming no-refill words at the bottom of the container made me feel stressed. i felt tied to those medications and was concerned with how i  would feel when they ran out. do i think they arent working but really they are? when i stop will all of my emotions hit me like a train? it was scary to cut the cord but i couldnt let my anti-stress medication cause me this much stress. 

so my reason for this post is this. do what works for you and dont let anyone tell you differently. i think i personally had an unrealistic hope of the euphoria taking medication would give me. i think they can do a lot of good for a lot of people and they served their purpose during those first few weeks. of course my own reaction is not going to be the same as someone elses but when you are going through something whether its death, marriage, divorce or just plain old regular life and you feel like you might need a little extra help then get it. raise your hand and say hey me over here...someone help me figure this shit out.  i also want to point out the opposite of this. when i decided to stop taking my pills i had a few people in my corner who didnt think it was such a good idea and that made me feel a little bit crazy. what are they seeing that i dont see?  am i turning into a werewolf at night or something?  in a time where you feel so out of control of whats going on in your life its important to remain in control of your mental state, body and ability to make decisions that are best for you. 

-s