phony...

thats how i feel sometimes. a lot of times. i feel like a fake. here are words people use to describe me now...brave courageous strong resilient powerful passionate determined. but this is how i feel most days...tired scared alone sad powerless betrayed confused overwhelmed jealous vulnerable.did i mention tired because thats a big one.  

ive always been a big fan of the fake it till you make it motto. thats how i go about most things in life. when schmoozing with bigwigs at work. i would be up all night freaking out. when the time came for the visit i was cool and put together. my boss used to tell me that i was so well spoken. little did he know i was sweating through my clothes and made tim practice my speech to the point where he could recite it himself. i fake my confidence during interviews. i fake my beaming smile confident voice and strong handshake. when i actually just talk a lot hoping to trick them into thinking ive answered their questions. a lot of my belongings represent a fake life that i dont really live. a couple of years ago i was walking around with a $1700 dollar handbag while driving a 1999 ford escort! i was portraying myself as someone i hoped to be one day.

now i pretend to be strong. i pretend to be okay. i pretend to be brave. i am pretending to be all of the things that people think of me so that maybe i can trick myself into thinking it as well. i fake it through the day when i feel like crying and hiding under the covers. i fake the polite "thank yous and its okay" when people tell me they are sorry to hear about tim. i actually want to scream and tell them i dont want to hear sorry and its not okay and i am not thankful. it fucking hurts and its horrible and i wish someone would just say that instead. i fake that its okay that some of our "friends and family" have completely fallen off the face of the earth since tim died. said they were going to be there but they arent. do things but they dont. its not okay...you guys should feel ashamed. tim would be ashamed of you. i pretend not to be angry. but yea i am fucking angry. why shouldnt i be? because its better to fake feeling grateful? im faking it when i tell people that im going to be okay. that im going to go on living life like tim would want me to but i dont know that. i dont know if im going to be okay. i dont know if i will survive this. maybe tim would be okay with that. maybe he would understand that it was too much. maybe he would say "you fucking tried real hard to get shit together babe...now just go on living like a crazy lady." 

i again find myself attempting to morph into a person i hope to be one day. i dont even know who that person is. time hasnt created her yet. so until then im going to fake it till i make it. 

-s