158 days...

until christmas. that was written on a dry erase board at my work when i walked in. someone has really started a fucking countdown till christmas.

tim and i have mostly been on our own for the holidays. we have never lived in the same state as our parents since we've been married or before really. our job didnt allow us to travel during the busy times of the year or we didnt have the money to go home. we have been alone...together...celebrating holidays with just the two of us. last august we went to the casino so he could gamble is birthday money away. our wedding anniversary is in september and it would creep up without us remembering. it wasnt until someone would send a text (usually our parents) that we would think "hey we got married on this day!" it was funny to see which one of us would remember first and remind the other. last october tim created a halloween shrine in our apartment knowing that i love all things scary. i keep the monster hand cups he bought on the top shelf in my kitchen cabinet.  november we would have a makeshift thanksgiving diner inviting over our friends who were displaced from their family as well. also in november...veterans day. maybe tims favorite day. he would roll over in bed that morning and say "babe do you have anything to say to me?" even my mom knew never to forget to send tim a veterans day card. he kept every single card you all sent him in his nightstand drawer. in december we would rack up our credit cards bills buying gifts for each other. when we were first dating tim knew how hard it was for me to be away from my parents during this time of year. he would go above and beyond to make sure i got everything i wanted no matter the cost. tim would let me take his goofy picture standing in the christmas pajamas that my mom sent him every year. when january rolled around he would complain that he just spent so much money on christmas but he still never let me down for my birthday. he always baked me a cake and spent a lot of time picking out my gift. last birthday he got me a small blue polaroid camera. i took pictures of the two of us the night he gave it to me and hung them on our fridge. i tucked those same photos under his right arm at his funeral. i havent used that camera since. it just sits on my windowsill like an artifact from our life together. last valentines day we spent the weekend in st. petersburg exploring the dali museum and stayed in a dreamy pink beach hotel. and finally we reach march. thats when i buried the love of my life my best friend and my partner in crime. do you see the problem i have with calendars? 

this year i will not be celebrating any holidays. please dont feel the need to text me merry christmas or happy thanksgiving because in my world those days do not exist. i dont need the texts asking if im "ok" on holidays because you all already know the answer. i will not be ok. i will be crying my eyes out, sleeping the day away or maybe ill be fucking wasted. i have a right to be messy on those days and im ok with that.