Tim <3...

thats how his name is in my phone. Tim with the red emoji heart and a small black and white photo of us that i took at the airport. 

tim once got on the phone with verizon arguing that i had no storage space left on my phone. the sales lady told him it was because i had never deleted a text message since before the dawn of time. man was he pissed. now i dont save any messages that i get. i delete every single message and thread that comes through making sure i never lose Tim<3.  yes i have it backed up to the cloud whatever that fucking means. but there is something so surreal about just knowing all of our conversations are in my pocket. 

i dont actually like to see Tim<3 pop up on my phone because it hurts knowing that i will never again get a text or call from him. i just like to know its only a scroll away just in case i have an emergency and need to reference back in time. "how did he say this?" "how did he spell that?" "when i asked him a math equation what was the answer?" it also allows me to see in black and white "i love you" "i miss you" when will you be home" "ill be right there babe" i have memorized who comes right before Tim<3 in the message box so i know when to stop but this weekend i deleted just that one too much and his name popped up on my screen. i really thought about not looking but i dont think my fingers and my heart were on the same page. i found myself sobbing with black mascara running down my cheeks. but then something weird happened as i was scrolling through. i started to laugh. i was reading our words and his jokes and i started to laugh as i could remember those conversations and i could hear his voice saying those words out loud to me. thank you babe for again helping me to laugh through my tears. for showing up right when i needed you like always.