Sunday...

good for brunch. sleeping in late. doing laundry. having a family dinner. watching football. catching up on your favorite netflix series. calling your parents. 

sunday...not good for celebrating the 29th birthday of your husband who is no longer around to celebrate it himself. 

tims birthday has been on my mind since the first of april really. not necessarily on my mind by choice but none the less on my mind. back home in nj his family is having a big celebration of life for him. they have designated an area of the yard for a memorial garden. spent hours of back breaking work making sure it looked perfect. they have asked guests of the celebration to bring a plant to contribute to the garden. to contribute to tim. the day will be filled with family and friends. love support and great stories. but i wont be there...

this was not a decision that i made lightly. i thought about it for over a month before coming to my final conclusion. i talked to friends and family about the reasons why. i dont know if i was looking for validation or i was just needing to express my feelings out loud. i needed to see the words hanging in the air as they floated from my mouth.  im not ready. i dont want to. i cant. its not fair. hes not turning 29. hes gone. 

i know that tim is gone. i face it every morning when i brush my teeth and see one toothbrush in a holder that 5 months ago held two. i face it when i open my closet and only see my clothes hanging there. i face it at dinner when i sit alone eating a meal made for two. i face it when my apartment is filled with silence when it was once filled with his loud voice and constant laughter. i face it when i open the sunglasses compartment in our car and his shades fall into my lap. i know hes gone. i dont or rather cant celebrate his birthday when i know he is not here to celebrate it. i wont pretend that i am happy to celebrate that great life that he had because im still dealing with it being over. i dont want to be that close to the town where i buried my husband. i dont want to remember the feelings i last felt there. i dont want to look at the kitchen table in his house and remember all the times i ate pancakes with him but the last time i sat there was to go over the arrangements for his funeral. i deal with it everyday. i dont need to willingly put myself on a plane and fly into a situation that i know i am not capable of handling. i am so grateful for the people in my life that love and support my decisions. that understand i am making these choices for my sanity. to be able to continue to get up everyday. i make these choices for me and for tim. i make them in sound mind. i hope they can be respected even if not understood.

on sunday i will be having a dinner not a birthday dinner but just a dinner with my parents and my friends.  some knew tim. some didnt. but that doesnt matter to me. they are coming because they know what tim means to me. they know that this will be a hard day and they are going to show up and eat and laugh and talk. they are going to talk about things other than it being tims birthday because we all know that it is. but we have to survive it and they will help me survive it. 

-s