jobs...

some of us have them. some of us dont. some of us love them. some of us dont. 

i had a job that i really loved. it treated me well. it took care of me and tim. it employed us both. it moved us when we wanted a change of scenery. it gave me a great circle of friends that i grew to count on like family. some even more than family. it has picked me up when i was down. gave me the advice i was seeking as well as the criticism that i wasnt. it taught me to fail gracefully and to appreciate the wins humbly because you are only as good as the day before. my job gave me a home wherever i went. 

when tim died my job was there. they filled my apartment with food and people. tears and laughter. they gave me clothes to wear when i couldnt step foot into my closet. they answered the phone when i couldnt. they drove back and forth to the airport. they packed my apartment when i couldnt bare to look at my own belongings and most importantly they showed up and they loved. they traveled from all over to be there for me. for tim. for our families. they didnt owe me anything. they didnt owe tim. but they showed up because they were our family. 

when i moved back to charlotte i made the decision to leave my job. it wasnt easy but i felt haunted by memories of tim. waiting for him to come busting through the backroom doors to tell me goodbye for the day. looking for his lunchtime texts to see if i wanted anything. hear his voice in the stockroom. reach for his hand when i got out of my car in the morning. i couldnt give my job the energy patience and quality that it deserved anymore. i decided to bow out while i was still in good standing. i wanted to leave with my reputation in tact. i had worked hard to get there. 

now im kinda fumbling through space. what i thought i was going to be doing for the rest of my life is no longer. the place that felt like home for so many years is not part of my everyday anymore. that chapter of my life is closed now. i dont know what these next few chapters look like but i will tell you this. i will not do something that doesnt feel right. i will not stay somewhere that makes me unhappy everyday. as i mentioned in an earlier post this is the trial and error part of my life. i have to test things out to see if they are going to work. a lot of things wont. hopefully some will. but i dont owe an explanation to anyone. only i know what it feels like to wake up and be me everyday. somethings wont make sense to others. some dont even make sense to me. but ive learned the lesson the hard way that life really is short. you cant spend it doing something that makes you miserable hoping that one day it wont. because one day might not ever arrive. 

-s