some time...

ok maybe a lot of time has gone by since i last wrote anything. almost a month to be exact. 

last night i was getting my hair done and my friend said to me "no posts in awhile?" (hi ben) my response was that i just didn't feel like i had anything worth writing about. and that's the simple truth. i laid in bed last night and this morning tossing and turning. thinking of different things i could write on here. our upcoming wedding anniversary? how annoying facebook and their "memories" feature has become to me? my new tattoo in memory of tim? does anyone care about that stuff but me? no probably not.

i think one of the more difficult parts about death and grief is dealing with the creeping normalcy that eventually sets in. you don't want things to be normal because in reality they are so different. you don't want to develop a new routine but your mind and body just take over without you realizing it. suddenly the new routine just becomes your day to day and the old routine becomes something that feels foreign to you. like a memory that you can almost recall but the edges are blurry. the routine that used to fit like a glove now feels like those jeans that you've been holding onto hoping that just maybe one day they will fit again. they wont fit again. and even if they do they wont feel the same way. not the way they did when you first got them and put them on.  you are not the same anymore. i am not the same anymore.

i haven't written because like i said i just didn't feel ive had anything important enough to share. not that i feel i ever really do but i try to somewhat have a purpose that i am trying to convey. now whether or not that comes across is besides the point. but my life has felt pretty normal. compared to what i have been through anyway i guess. that felt like chaos. that felt out of control. i still feel lost. i still feel angry and upset and scared at times. i still have a physical and emotional void that will never go away. that is just lingering and nagging at me in the background but even that has become normal. something that i have accepted as my every day.  i don't know when it happened. it didn't knock on my door and announce that it was here to replace my old routine but i welcomed it in nonetheless. because it has to happen. because its time to fit into some new jeans i suppose.