after tim died my heart broke into a million pieces. the kind of pieces that are so small you just sweep them up and throw them away because there is no point trying to salvage them. tim and i had planned on forever but the forever we got was not the one we had hoped for. we didn't get to experience the full life that we wanted to. we didn't get to finish our story together. we now have two separate endings. i am responsible for telling tim's. but what about mine?
i read this article that said grieving makes you stop and take stock of who you were, who you are and who you want to be. that in the deep dark shadows of grief you need to slow down and listen to yourself. you will find your way. i've mentioned in a previous post that there has never been a defining moment since tim's death that i have felt without doubt "ready to move on." life and time work just in that way. you find yourself living. you find yourself moving forward because going backwards isn't allowed. i find myself slowly continuing on with my story.
i would like to introduce 'c' to my new chapter. he came into my life at quite possibly the worst time. an unpredictable and often angry time. lost in grief. lost in general. he stepped in quietly and peacefully. like a warm gentle wave in my chaotic tsunami tide. he is consistent and constant. he is loving and lovely. he understands my deep never ending love for tim and the life that we shared together. he doesn't run away when big tears come rolling down my cheeks because i am having a bad day. when i am missing tim for no other reason other than i simply just miss him. because i wish he were still here. because i want him to be alive. instead he asks me to tell him more about tim. more about sam and tim together. 'c' is my sounding board. my soft spot and my safe place. he listens and validates all my feelings and thoughts. he talks every last one of them through with me sometimes multiple times if need be. 'c' and i spent this past thanksgiving together. that morning i woke up and cried for tim. instead of waiting for the moment to pass he pushed forward. he asked me to tell him everything that tim and i did last year for thanksgiving. what we ate. who was in charge of cooking what dish. who did the dishes afterwards. he even let me show him the disturbing turkey butt cake that tim bought for us for dessert and laughed along with me. 'c' gets it. he gets me.
it can't be easy for 'c' to find his way in my life. a life that had already been penned out with another man. a different story. one of my major fears about my life moving forward is that i will leave tim and our life behind but 'c' makes room for tim in our relationship. it feels like not only has my heart been able to love someone again, but it has gotten bigger and stronger. it loves deeper and richer from all that it has been through and not just the pain. it carries with it all of the love and laughter and friendship that tim gave me. he taught me how to love better.
i think being the man that comes after the death of a husband is not for the faint of heart. it carries a lot of responsibility. it has a certain heaviness to it. you need a tough skin. people on the outside have a unfair preconceived idea about who you are, what you want and who you are not. 'c' is not tim. i don't want him to be. no one will ever be tim. human beings are not replaceable. there will never be another tim and sam. that story came to a sad end on march 2nd. 'c' is not in my life because tim isn't . 'c' is in my life because he belongs there. because i want him there. because we are writing our own story. because there is room for two.